Nothing says "Happy Easter!" like Nigeria

So, I know I've mentioned Casual Kiss before, and how I pretty much can't take it seriously. I get a TON of messages from guys in various distant countries. They're always really sweet, even in horribly broken English.

"ur a queen let me be the man to love u like never b4."
-29 year-old male, Nigeria

"I like holding hands walking together side by side and sharing love vows and I see you as a woman I would love to do that with and cuddle with my woman."
- 32 year-old male, Nigeria

"hi dear
i am nik
i like you
will you be my girlfriend
i am so caring, decent boy"
-22 year-old male, India

"hi pretty
you are piqued me pretty woman !i loved and wanna go go
kindly"
-33 year-old male, Belgium

Sweet, guys, really, but how do you expect this to work? Are you gonna come to the U.S, or am I supposed to go to Africa? Cuz I'll give you a hint: I'm not going to Africa. :P (And yes, while I realize I'm horrible at geography, I am also aware that neither India nor Belgium are in Africa.)

On another note, a while back, I stumbled onto a guy's profile that said he was looking specifically for married women for casual sex. I was pretty curious, so I asked him if he'd mind explaining why. He responded:

I guess it does sound strange. I am going to be in CT for only a couple of months. I don't want anyone to be mislead that I am searching for a LTR. A married woman seems safe to me. It probably sounds sleazy, but I don't intend to cause any problems. A married woman won't play the hard to get game. I think there are more married women who need physical and mental attention than single woman. It's not fun being alone...married or single. Thanks for asking....................Don

Morally speaking, I'm opposed to this notion, but he does make a fair point for himself. His profile has since been disabled.

If you lik me where can we the sex?

As annoying as it is, I always find it a bit intriguing when people message me, and then I discover that their profile says very little about them. It doesn't give me any clue as to who I'm really talking to, so I tend to try a little harder to get to know people. So when this guy Keith sent me his AIM sn and phone number, and his profile had three sentences about him and a single photo, I was curious. In this particular case, things turned out to be weirdly fascinating.

Almost none of the text messages he sent me were anything near proper English. In fact, most of them were so bad I thought perhaps English wasn't his first language. Turns out he was born and raised in central Connecticut. That just makes his slaughter of the English language more hilarious, and also kind of sad.

He said: U with a big eyes in u pic
I'm assuming he meant: You have big eyes in your profile picture.

He said: Wood you lik that
I'm assuming he meant: Would you enjoy that?

He said: I wann the sex with you
I'm assuming he meant: I would like to fornicate with you.

He said: Nothing about ju
I'm assuming he meant: I'm not doing anything right now. How about you?

He said: Well did u a test
I'm assuming he meant: Did you attempt to verify this?

He said: Get me she aim s n
I'm assuming he meant: Would you please tell me her AIM screen name?

He said: What we gannn to we meet
I'm assuming he meant: What activities could we partake in upon our meeting?

He said: Can i did eat u puss
I'm assuming he meant: Would you allow me to perform oral sex on you?

He said: Yea y was u gann meet me
I'm assuming he meant: Yes, but then why were you planning to meet me?

And last, but definitely not least:

He said: If you lik me where can we the sex hun
I'm assuming he meant: If you discover that you have feelings for me, where may we express those feelings in a physical manner, darling?

He also asked me (in similar sentence structure) if I wore thongs literally every day for a week. Each time, I answered, "You asked me that yesterday". He also repeatedly asked for sex despite the fact that he knew I have a boyfriend. It also came up in conversation that he didn't know what a tailbone was, but at least he promptly googled it.

The truly epic moment came when I mentioned I was hanging out with my sister, and she asked if she was single. First off, guys, it really doesn't impress a girl if she rejects you and you ask if she can hook you up with someone else. If we didn't like you, why would we pawn you off on our friends? Secondly, when I told him my sister was only 14, he then admitted:

"7 yrs ago i was gann meet at 13 girl but it was a cop"

He would have been 24 at the time. He said he spent two hours in jail for this. That in itself almost disgusted me more than the fact that he tried to bone a kid. After he told me that, he pretty much figured out he was never going to stand a chance with me, and stopped messaging me. I can't say I'm disappointed.

Oh ho ho, no you didn't.

If you've read any of my other posts, you've probably noticed I try to keep the indentities of the guys who contact me anonymous for the most part. It's not their fault that they're mostly social morons. Today, the guy I'm writing about pissed me off to the point that I'm about to say, "fuck privacy!". I'd like to say it's for the greater good, and I'm trying to shield anyone else from having to deal with this prick, but it's mostly because I can be catty and he was really immature about things.

So, let me introduce you to Slick Rick. When he messaged me, my first reaction was that his grammar sucked and he looked like my friend's ex-boyfriend if he had been a guido. However, I make it a point to message everyone back out of courtesy, and you never know when it's going to give me something amusing to write about. So, he gives me his number and we end up texting a bit over the next few days.

The first night, he asked me for a picture of my boobs. When I declined, he offered to trade and send me one of him. I told him he could send me one if he wanted to, but it wouldn't get one in return. So of course he sends me one, and it's really not impressive. Then he says, "I'm waiting." So I send back, "What did I just say? :P", and he didn't respond back.

A couple of days later, after not saying much outside of small talk, he asks for a picture of my boobs. I once again explained that I don't just send them to random people, and if he really wanted to see them, he'd have to at least make the effort to get to know me better first. Then it got interesting. I'm posting the texts exactly as I recieved/sent them, so excuse the grammar...it annoys me too. Sorry. :(

Rick: If you wanna get to know me better you'll show me your tits
Me: Haha I think you just told me everything I need to know about you.
Rick: Good now you'll leave me alone god damn I thought your fat ass would never stop texting me bye fatty

So, hold on. He goes out of his way to contact me, asks multiple times to see me naked, and then calls me fat and apparently annoying when I decline? Since he obviously didn't want me texting him anymore, I didn't bother replying. Then, he starts spamming my phone with texts that just say "Fatty" every 10 seconds or so. After about a dozen, I finally reply "Haha, chode" (if you look at the picture he sent me, you'll see why - NSFW!), and I swear to God, best response ever:

Rick: AT LEAST I CAN SEE MINE

Yes, it's true. He's discovered my deepest secret. I cannot, for the life of me, locate my penis. It's clearly because I'm fat, and has nothing to do with that pesky vagina in my pants. It's a tragedy.

Then he sent me about three more "Fatty" texts, so then I pretty much told him this would be posted on the internet later, and he threatened to call the cops. I reminded him it wasn't illegal and if he doesn't want naked pictures of him floating around, he shouldn't send them to complete strangers on the internet. Frustrated, he said:

Rick: Don't talk to me n I won't talk to you k bitch

Then he texted me two more times. Brilliant.