OH SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS

Somehow I managed to stumble onto this girl's (WARNING: Adult Content. May not be suitable for those who are easily offended or have eyeballs) profile. She not only brags about how she pretty much invented sex, but that she CHARGES for it to pay for school. AGGHH PROSTITUTION. I'm offended on a legal level but on an aesthetic level I kind of want to die.

I'm beginning to wonder. :P

So, for anyone who isn't familiar with how OkCupid works, every day you get sent three matches in your "Quiver". These are typically users who meet your search criteria and have a fairly high match percentage with you based on questions you've both answered. A while back a guy popped up in my Quiver that had a 93% match with me, and I noticed he's from a town where my car once broke down, so I sent him a message about it. We started talking, and I realized, I have no idea how our match is that high. Even by just reading his profile and having a brief conversation with him, I'd already decided I could and would never date this guy. Hell, I wouldn't even want to be friends with him.

First off, OkCupid doesn't take into account your physical preferences for a partner unless you pay for a premium membership. I was not even remotely attracted to him. He looks a lot like this guy I know who pretty much always smells horrible, so I'm sure that didn't help his case. He does have a pretty sweet picture of himself dressed as Billy Mays, though.

Secondly, the second sentence of his profile states he's an "average 24-year old guy", and talking to him pretty much confirmed it. I hate average. Average bores me. As I read through the questions he answered, I realized we had a lot of things we disagreed on completely. He read the question, "For people who are in exclusive relationships, is masturbation a form of infidelity?", and answered that, yes, it is. When I asked him about it he explained that he interpreted the question to mean that you're masturbating in front of other people. From my interpretation, the question in no way implies that, and I explained that, but he wouldn't change his answer. That bugged the hell out of me for some reason. He also expressed that he believes all people in America should speak English exclusively, which I find to be rather ignorant. He also said he has no idea what fetishes are.

How does a grown man with the internet not know these things?!! He even says he watches a LOT of porn. WTF does his watch? Is there a vanillamissionary.com?

Anyhow, let's see, he also said feminism has had a negative impact on society overall, a kilometer is longer than a mile, he would immediately leave a date if he found out the other person had any sort of weapon on them, he wouldn't be comfortable marrying a bisexual person, he would never date a pagan, he hates horror movies, he'd have sex with someone who was overweight but never date them, and if he had a psycho-ex stalking him who was historically violent, he wouldn't tell a new partner! I kind of hate this guy just on principle.

Then in conversation, I asked him what the worst date he'd ever been on was (it tends to be a good icebreaker). He replied, "She was like late to the meeting place, then I had to leave like 10 minutes after that to get home for dinner (because my mom was cooking it). So we didn't get to spend to long with each other and get to know each other and that's probably why 3 years later we broke up." See, let that be a lesson to you all. If you don't get to know each other on the first date, you WILL break up three years later over it.

Girls are magicians.

I know I've mentioned this before, but my friend Dave used to always have me check girls out before he'd message them because he, like most guys, couldn't tell if their profile pictures were products of girl-voodoo. I'm sure we all know what I'm talking about here.



I'm willing to bet most guys who use dating sites have had something similar happen to them at some point. Oddly enough, it seems to be mainly a girl thing. I haven't seen too many men who were able to manipulate their photography the way we girls do (yep, even I'm guilty). This makes me feel bad, because not only do they fall for it, but we don't even when they make a good attempt. It hardly seems fair.

So I'm going to try and level the playing field a little bit here, boys. Here's a few of the most common photos to watch out for:

# 1: The Art of Cropping

She's decently cute, right? Definitely not a ten, but cute. But just like in the picture above, if we've cut something out of the picture, especially to that extreme, it's usually for a reason. Now, nothing against this girl, but there's a big difference here, no? It could definitely be argued that it's pretty misleading.

#2: The Extreme Camera Angle

Gentlemen, if there's one thing I want you to remember about this pose, it's that it can pretty much only mean one of two things. Either "Look at my boobs!", or "I'm trying to look thinner!" I obviously gotta love my big girls, but we shouldn't be trying to hide it ladies. We can't make them date us from this angle!

#3: The Super-Edit

All we can really be sure of about this girl is that she indeed HAS a face. Good luck trying to describe her to a police sketch artist, or your friends, or your mom, or the waiter when you're trying to find her in a restaurant for a date.

#4: The Kissy Face

Now, I have to say, I'm glad there seems to be a resounding agreement among the male population that this face is not, in fact, cute. At all. Yes ladies, we look like ducks. The undeniable fact about it, however, is that the affect it has on the appearance of our faces is drastic.

My last example is what I would call a remarkable example of this. Quite frankly, I don't even think I would guess these were of the same girl if you showed them to me out of context.


When in doubt lads, ask for more photos!

I don't have arolas!

"even though i know we can"t have a chance, i do how ever would like to know how awesome are your breast? Like whats the size of your nipples and arolas?"
- 26-year old male, New York

Anyhow, I thought I'd let you guys in on some of what I've got stashed away to post at a later date. I'm currently compiling my list of 100 Ridiculous Usernames, another couple of rounds of Horrible Profile Pictures, and even a post on misleading pictures with plenty of examples! I'm pretty excited to get them finished, so hang tight until then!

Oh! And before I forget, I stumbled on a great About Me section I thought I'd pass on. The guy didn't want me to link it back to him, which is a shame, cuz he's a total cutie.

Are some of these people serious with their profile "about me"
"I have already found the one."
"My girlfriend signed me up and I'm deleting this soon."
"I'm not interested in men or women."
"I have thirty naked pictures but I'm shy and hate my body."
"I hate smokers but pot is okay."
"I'm here for NSA (but ill call you hourly after wee hook up.)"
"You look similar to someone I already know so I'm going to terrorize your page until I discover I was wrong and delete my profile"
"I don't discriminate against ethnic groups (when I get to know you I am really a closet racist.)"
AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE
"Yeah I had sex with those two guys after just meeting and being on video tape but that does not make me a immoral! OMG! You eat meat and drrive a SUV! You are the devil!"
Just know I will be as real with you as you are with me.

Bravo, sir.

Nothing like hearing from old friends!

It's too bad I'm only hearing from people I likely should have blocked ages ago. So, my lovely friend, Craig, IM'ed me again tonight to ask if I missed him. I tried to give him the nice answer: that I don't know him well enough to miss him. He said that was a lie, so I had to change my answer to, "Well in that case, I just plain didn't miss you." He then said he didn't believe me, and "eew". It bothers me that he says that like he's an eleven-year old girl. I also got a text message from Keith, the pedophile who did two hours of jail time for trying to meet up with a "thirteen girl" for sex. Yuck. Needless to say, his English has not improved. Why can't I meet ONE GUY who speaks passable English?!!

He said: Do you play u puss
I'm assuming he meant: Do you masturbate?

He said: I ever licked ass i wann tri it
I'm assuming he meant: I have never attempted analingus before. I think I would like to try it.

He said: I have a 7 inck dick
I'm assuming he meant: My penis is larger than average.

He said: Wish we can meet. So I can lick u puss ass.
I'm assuming he meant: It saddens me that you have no desire to meet with me whatsoever, as I would thoroughly enjoy to orally please you in ways you would never allow.

Then he pulled the typical (and I'm seriously distressed that this has become typical!), "You should have sex with me because your boyfriend is obviously cheating on you anyway" card. For the love of all things holy, WHY IS THIS SUCH A COMMON TACTIC?!! Does this work on some women?!! I mean for crying out loud, where is that logic coming from? Thankfully he dropped it after I flatly told him I wasn't dating an absolute ass-hat and I actually trust my boyfriend, but jeez.

Do I look like a Patty?

Apparently I must, because some guy called me that out of nowhere tonight. Ah well, not the worst thing to happen to me today.

Besides waking up at 4:30 AM with what would seem to be food poisoning, I had the pleasure of talking to yet another gentleman (and I use the term ever so lightly) who felt that, because he had put in the effort of giving me twenty minutes worth of two- or three-word answers, he was entitled to see me naked.

Craig: show me a pic, i earned it
Me:Hahaha, nice try, but no. That's not how it works.
Craig:yes
Me: I have no obligations to you whatsoever.
Craig: u dont, but i think i earned one
Me: And you're fully entitled to that opinion.
Craig: not an opimion, its a fact
Me: Yes, it is a fact that you think you earned one.
Craig: eew
Me: It's a good thing you teach history and not science, haha.
Craigh: eew again

Yea, supposedly he teaches high school history to the special ed kids. I fear for our nation's youth.


Anyhow, I actually got to meet up with one of the guys who's been blowing up my cell phone lately. Ah, yes, Mr. Chocolate Snicker Bar. I invited him to a cosplay picnic (mind you, this man is 39 years old) so we could meet in front of all my friends. Standard procedure, and I figured if he could handle a crap-ton of otaku, he was probably alright. He ended up showing up for about five minutes, giving me a bag of paper plates and plastic utensils, talking about pretty much nothing, then going back home to finish mulching. Ah. Adults are weird. I hope he doesn't think that lets him off the hook for hanging out with my friends the first time. No shortcuts. :P

....WTF?

So as you can all probably tell, I'm not the type to abruptly and more than likely rudely end a conversation just because the person is a total creep. So when the guy started explain how he thinks much, MUCH older women are still sexy, I went with it. When he told me he was trying to convince his MOTHER to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend, I just blocked him. O_O

So that's what you kids are calling it these days.

So, it's been an odd week for one-liners. I mean, I've always been a magnet for more socially awkward guys. I would guess it's because I'm friendly and will pretty much talk to anybody until they offend and/or bore the snot out of me, but I like to hypothesize that all the really awkward guys have a forum somewhere, and they just tell each other to talk to me.

But this week, I literally had a guy refer to his "pee-pee". I quite appropriately nearly peed myself laughing. I'm a firm believer that no one should ever say "pee-pee" unless conversing with a 5 year old. And when I laughed, he asked what he had ought to call it! I don't know, pick a word!

Even that's not quite as amusing as the guy who called it his "thick tasty snicker chocolate bar." ...I have so many problems with this it's not funny. 1.) It's a Snickers. 2.) Saying "tasty snicker chocolate bar" is like saying you got money out of the ATM machine. 3.) ...WHY?! Then again, I can't be shocked, because this is the same guy who told me he'd f**ck me so hard and deep, he'd hit my "lower intestines." When I joked that he had better be talking about anal, cuz otherwise there's a HUGE problem, I expected him to be like, "lol duh". But no. I get, "No..it will burst through your walls. to the intestines." The only thing I could possibly think to respond to that was "Septicemia and internal bleeding, every girl's biggest turn ons! But no seriously. You should probably never say that to a woman." So then he tried to fix it by saying he'd "knibble" my body....less appalling imagery, but that k just kills the sexy.

What's the going rate for hookers these days?

So a guy from Richmen.com just offered me $200 to sleep with him. I don't know how that compares to usual rates, so I don't know whether to be offended or REALLY offended. :P

Also, protip: Asking me over and over and over and OVER AGAIN to show my boobs will not make me more likely to do it. If you really gotta see some boobies, try porn. It's free. :P

I'm going to end up alone and miserable. Huh.

So, this particular post is a long time coming. I started talking to Steve almost a year ago, and we've talked on and off since then. I typically tried to avoid lengthy conversations with him since he pretty much only seemed to be interested in what I was wearing or what my nipples look like. I'm a really open person, and I'll answer just about any question, but when it becomes obvious that the person asking is more than likely masturbating on the other end, it's kind of a turn-off.

For one reason or another, lately he's been talking to me more often. He asked for a picture of me naked almost every day, and I always tell him the same thing: that he'd have to actually get to know me better if he ever wanted to see anything. Given the fact that we'd been talking for a year and still know basically nothing about each other, I wasn't too worried about ever having to make good on this deal. A couple of times he told me that he'd been just trying sooooooo hard to get to know me, but I keep putting my defenses up. I should probably clarify that the defenses he's referring to are the fact that I have a boyfriend who I don't want to cheat on. Darn me for playing hard to get!

So, like most guys, he tried to send me a picture of his junk in an effort to get me to show him mine, and of course, claimed I "owed him". Come on guys, seriously? If I had to reciprocate every nude I received, half the state would have seen me naked. :P A girl does not OWE you. Ever. Not to mention I didn't ask for the picture, and if I had, I certainly wouldn't have asked for this one. I must've stared at that thing for five minutes just wondering what the hell I was looking at. I even had to consult with like, five other people. I think the only thing we can all agree on is that it looks hella weird, and this guy has no clue how to take an attractive picture. And wtf is that in the background?? Anybody?

So anyhow, after a few more days of pestering, I finally offered him a challenge: If he could name one of my short term goals and one of my long term goals, I'd send him a picture of me in a bra. I figured this shouldn't be too difficult if he actually gave a crap about any of the conversations we'd had in the past year, since I have several goals that I talk about frequently. All he could come up with is that I want to get my degree and that I want a job. Ohh, nice, Sherlock. Me and 800,000 other college students. But, I was feeling nice, so I told him if he could name the field I wanted to go into, since it applies to both my degree and the job I want to get, I'd give it to him. He couldn't do it. That's pretty sad, considering he could've just checked my CK profile for the answer. :P



But, he's not really the brightest.

Steve: Are you with your bf right now?
Me: Yea
Steve: Ohh then I'll talk to you later then.
Me: We can talk now
Steve: No we can't ur with ur bf
Me: So how does that mean we can't talk?
Steve: Cuz ur with him
Me: Circular logic aside, I don't see your point.
Steve: What's circular logic?

And even better:

Me: I'm super nerdy!
Steve: But you're sexy
Me: Nerdy and sexy aren't mutually exclusive. :P
Steve: In ur case they are lol
Me: ....do you know what mutually exclusive means, cuz you just technically insulted me :P

Anyhow, he'd also been asking me to meet up for a while, and since I'm nice, I was okay with it. As we all know, it's standard procedure for me that any guy who wants to meet up with me has to do it around my friends the first time. He had SUCH a huge problem with this, even after I explained that it's just for my safety and comfort. He'd make plans to meet up with me and then mysteriously have some old friend visit from out of town that night. Then of course, when I'd try to make new plans with him, he'd keep trying to convince me to meet him alone. And I'm sorry guys, but the harder you try and convince a girl you're not a rapist, the more like a rapist you're going to sound. :P I even told him flat out that there was no reason he needed to be alone with me, since nothing was going to happen between us. This of course lead to conversations about how I have my defenses up, and him explaining that I should just cheat on my boyfriend because he obviously doesn't want me, and he's probably cheating on me anyway. Maybe it's just because I'm a criminology major, but that raises some serious red flags for me. 1.) Why would I want a relationship with a guy who would encourage cheating? Kinda makes me think he wouldn't be all that faithful. 2.) Does that make anyone else think he might be playing mind games? That's pretty much a step away from psychological abuse. Also not something that makes me wanna date this guy.

However, he happens to think that I'm unhappy in my relationship and that I want to leave my boyfriend for him. I literally laughed out loud when I got THAT text. I have literally never even flirted with this guy, not even out of boredom. So I asked him what his reasons for that line of thinking were. Apparently when you text a guy randomly, and often in the middle of the night, he thinks you're in love with him. I explained that I text a LOT of people randomly in the middle of the night, since that's typically when I'm awake and bored, but he wasn't having it. He kept saying that I'll understand when I'm 30 (he's 33) because people at his age don't do that when they're in relationships. I told him I'd keep that in mind for when I'm 30, but for now, I'm 20 and it doesn't apply to me. So then he told me I was going to end up alone and miserable. This was met with much more laughter. He said I'm a game player and I'll see someday. So, I pretty much told him that since I was such a terrible person, I wouldn't waste anymore of his time and to have a nice life. Then he texts back, "look lets just hook up and fuck". Omfg, really? So I told him that even if I were single and interested, I'd never sleep with someone who insulted my character like that. When he texted back "I think u would", I had to call the TOD on our relationship at 5:57 PM. I wasn't going to dignify that with a response.

Then of course, at almost midnight that night he texts me, "Im horny r u", and four nights later, again at almost midnight, "what's good". WTF is wrong with this guy?

He gets points for being creative.

So, Casual Kiss is always good for interesting messages. I got one the other day from a guy whose profile says he's a 25-year old female from Kampong Sungei Blati, Malaysia. He seemed like the usual sweet, overly poetic guys I usually get from other countries, but then he sent me this.

"well if you dont mine i have lost some 1 that mean so much in my life i lost her wen i was born coz we are together in the presence of god and we choose different location she choose to be whit and i choose to be black immidiately i comes out of my mothers womb i started imagin that when would i get this beautiful girl again , then i take it as my destiny may be we can never meet gain but now i realise that here she is now i found her and i will never let her go pls give me chance in your heart let me dwell in your heart i want to be the only 1 you will be seeing?"

Uh, well. Wow. That's a new one.

I also got one from an 18-year old guy from Canada that said he was a General in the "USA army" who is currently in Afghanistan. Huh, odd. I didn't think the Army promoted that quickly. Or, ya know, enlisted Canadian citizens. So I called him on it and he just sent me back a sad face.

Then, I get a message from a 25-year old guy from Canada that simply says "i want ur big ass on my face." Really? On what planet is it okay for that to be the first thing you ever say to a person? Oh, dumb question. Clearly Uranus. *facepalm*

But, on a more serious note, I thought I should talk about something a lot of guys have brought up to me. It's no secret that the dating world in general is a lot easier for women than for guys. On dating sites in particular, it tends to work out that guys take the time to send out messages to tons of women, and women typically just respond to whatever they get, if they feel like it. If a girl is not interested in a guy, most of the time she'll just ignore his message completely. What I find interesting is that from my experience, it's not just messages from guys they'll ignore (I'm excluding myself since I make it a policy to answer EVERY message I get, regardless of content). I've been messaging bisexual girls pretty frequently lately, and I don't get responses from even half. I kind of feel like I should start asking around and see if I can't get some insight on this, since I don't even understand it myself. I personally think it's sort of rude.