Seriously?

So I check my Facebook yesterday, and I have a friend request from Oi Vey. Good gracious. I have not talked to him since, what, January? Needless to say, friend request ignored. It makes me wonder what brought that on, though. I may just bite if he tries adding me again (quick, stage an intervention - I'm sick.)

Here we go again ;P

To be honest, I'm rather surprised it took me this long to come up with five more awful profile pictures. I suppose I should probably think of that positively, haha. So, without any further ado, here they are:

#5: The Back-of-the-Head Fetish

#4:Jeans by Calvin Klein, body by Salvador Dali

#3: And his name is Robert. *sparkle*

#2: Ughh, Womaaaannnnn!

#1: The bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

Actual quote from his profile:

"Seeking slender, kinky sex vixen for impossible fantasy roleplay. Some willingness to assist with basic bodily functions required. "

That don't impress me much

Wow, I've certainly heard some interesting lines in the year I've been trying online dating. Some were so bad they were cute, others just...bad. I realized I left a few of them out while describing my issues with my Jewish love muffin there. I feel as though I should first slap on a parental advisory sticker (in other words, my mother is advised not to read this. Seriously, Mom. Close the window right now. Right now. You don't want to know.) as this is not only about to get obscene, but absolutely tragic. I really can't in any way prepare you for these, so I'm just gonna quote him.

"I wanna lick ur whole pussy til cum comes pouring out ur clit and i can drink it"

And worse,

"I'm gonna put my whole tongue in your clit."

Now, either this guys a serious sadist, or he's never seen a vagina in his life. I was completely flabbergasted, and so naturally, I sent it to everyone I knew. I feel like even if this guy was a virgin he should know better than that. What do they teach in schools these days?? So, just for hahas, I asked him if he'd ever been with a woman before. Get this - he tells me he's been with ten women. TEN. I might've believed one or two, but either he's a complete liar, or I have ten sympathy cards to mail out. Ladies, I am so sorry for the loss of your dignity, and your faith in the male population. Hope lesbianism is working out for you.

Ah, but alas, he is not the only sorely mistaken male when it comes to impressin' the lad-ayyyss. There's one particular site I use which I am hardly able to take even remotely serious, mostly because all the guys who talk to me are either from Canada, or 50 and from Mississippi. Just going through my inbox, here's a couple opening messages I have laying around.

"want to make love??? for ever and a day!!!!Jackxxoxoxoxoxooooooooooox "

-40 year old male, New York

"if i could die early i would ask God if i could be your guardian angel, so i could wrap my wings around you and embraces you whenever you feel alone..i would love to be ur friend"

-19 year old male, Nigeria

"I have zombie apocalypse nightmares almost every week does that turn you on? lol"

-23 year old male, Massachusetts

And then, of course, there was a lovely guy who wanted to know if I'd move, yes, MOVE in with him two hours away to be his live in "pet" for him and his "slave". To each his own dude, but I'm old fashioned! I just feel like a guy should be sweet to me and buy me dinner before he asks if he can put a collar on me and degrade me for his pleasure. *shrug*

Woof, well, that was fun

Only, not actually so much. I finally got down to it to tell Oi Vey I didn't see things going anywhere between us. Well, actually, I tried to use a cheap cop out and get him to stop being interested in me, then felt bad, and 'fessed up. :/ I had thought maybe if I could get him to lose interest in me, he'd feel like he was the one who ended things and I could essentially get out of rejecting him. I know, I know, stupid! That's a terrible thing to do. I realized halfway through I couldn't lie to the guy like that.

Me: Look i have a confession and i feel really bad about it so im gonna just say it. I've been saying all this stuff to try and freak you out so you wouldnt be interested in me anymore.
Him: Y would u do that. Hmmm
Me: *sigh* I just didn't know how to tell you i didnt think things were gonna work out between us and my best friend told me to do it this way so i wouldnt hurt you but i cant lie to you :/
Him: Y would u want to do that. Y don't u think we wouldnt work out

Every time he talks he personifies all the things about him that annoy me. Hmmmm? Hmmm?

Me: I just don't really feel us connecting.
Him: Hmm That's fucked up Y u think it couldn't work U never gave it a shot Hmmmmmmmm
Me: I wanted to give it a shot, but I realized I really don't think we could get along.

I figured that's nicer than telling him I find him endlessly irritating.

Him: I do Just give a shot And I can prove it too u
Me: This is exactly why i dont think we could work. It's like you don't even listen to me when i tell you something. I told you i felt like you were getting too clingy, you said you werent. I told you we dont know eachother well enough, you say we do. I tell you we wont get along, you say we will. I feel like you ignore how im feeling.

Then he basically told me he could change, and that I should really give him a chance. You know, I really think I gave him more chances than he deserved. I told him he SHOULD consider working on this stuff, if he says he really wants to, because maybe it'll help him with the next girl he meets. The last thing he said before logging off abruptly was "So whatever have a good life and by the way I have been talking to 3 other people at the same time as talking to u". Ooh. Ouch. I'm aching inside.

Anyhow, on a lighter note! Guess who I spoke to? I finally came right out and asked Pally if he just wasn't interested in me anymore, since he'd started IMing me to say hi, but then getting really quiet, and it was confusing me. So, turns out, it's not that he's not interested, he just had realized he probably can't deal with the distance. According to him, he wanted to tell me, but was terrified to do so, but he also felt horrible keeping it from me, so he decided to all together avoid me so he wouldn't feel like it was gonna come exploding out of his mouth, and he wouldn't feel as guilty keeping it from me. So we had a chat, and I told him I'll get over him not wanting to date me, though it sucks. He's a sweet heart! I told him what I couldn't deal with, however, was having him avoid me for the rest of our lives. If I can't date him, you had better believe I want him in my life as a good friend, and I think now he and I are gonna be okay. :)

Oh, one last thing! Remember the shy guy who was giving me advice yesterday? I've officially dubbed him Happy Feet haha, to which he responded "Oh god." Good stuff! Anyhow, tonight he wrote me the sweetest little poem thing before going off to bed. I hope he won't hate me for posting it, but it's just so sweet!

"though outside, it may be almost light, i just want to say good night. So may you have a peaceful rest and sweet dreams, of a world that is not what it seems..and in that dream of dreams may you wish of things that bring you happiness that come tomorrow, i will hopefully not make you miss "

I'm such a freaking sucker for stuff like that!

Anybody got an aspirin?

Remember my little Jewish friend there? Well, his name WAS saved in my phone as "Sexy Jew", mostly because up until he sent me a friend request on Facebook, I had no idea what his name was, and that happens to be his screen name. Only today, he made the ranks of all these lucky bastards I write about, and was given his own oh so endearing nickname. He is now saved in my phone as "Oi Vey".

And remember how I had to have that little chat with him about how he's rushing things? Well, we had that little chat. I told him I was concerned he was getting too attached too quickly, and that I just didn't want him to get hurt if things don't work out. His response? "Don't you think they will?" So, I said we still don't know each other at all, and it's impossible to say. He then told me he never takes things too seriously before he should, and changed the subject. So I immediately brought it right back, and he insisted I shouldn't be worried. After making the same point the third time, just for emphasis, I let it go. Since it was about 3 in the morning then, he went to bed, and so did I.

But when I woke up, I had FIVE new text messages from him, the first starting barely two hours after our little chat.

5:01am: What r u doin? Can we chat sweetie?
5:21am: R u able to talk cutie?
5:35am: Hey if you're home jump on AIM so we cab talk i would love to talk with u some more
10:58am: Hit me up whenever u get this so we can chat
12:31pm: Hey cutie r u up? What r u doing today? Hit me up when you get this

Alright, one: I slept late today. Don't judge me. Two: He texts me 3 times before 6am, but doesn't ask me if I'm awake til 12:30? Three: I have literally two dozen other texts just like this on my phone from other days, AND he left me two voicemails yesterday. Four: Guys I was legitimately IGNORING haven't tried this hard to get me to talk to them. He's driving me insane. So I sent him text that said "Don't you think texting me five times in one morning is a bit excessive??!" He apologized. He even stopped texting me for the day when I told him I had to go to work.

But once I got home, he of course started talking to me. In his typical fashion, he asked for my opinion after every little statement he made, most of which were either sexual, or asking how ready I think I'll be to make a commitment after our tentative first date. No matter how many times I tell him there's no possible way I could have any idea of what a commitment to him would be like, because I don't KNOW him, he doesn't get it.

Him: We kbow alot about eachother.
Me: Idk haha, I don't really think we do.
Him: what do u not know about me that u want to
Met: I dont mean it like that, its just, i mean how much do you really know about me??
Him: that your 19 u work at a group home, u go to college, u love the outdoors, color is pink
Me: That it?

That's all he could come up with. And for the record, no, I really don't love the outdoors, and I have no idea where he got that idea. Then he was quiet for a long while. Secretly, I hoped he was snooping through my Facebook, or even my DATING PROFILE which has a LIST of my interests that he could easily list off to me and pretend he actually knew something about me. But, alas, no. Instead, I get this:

Him: what else should i know about u. hmmm
Me: How about what my goals are? My dreams and values? What career im persuing? Who's important in my life? What i want in a partner? What are my pet peeves? What's my ideal date? I mean you don't know how to answer any of these. You can hardly say you know me on any meaninful level yet.

His response? "So tell me." I literally shook my head. Sure. I can tell him all this stuff. I can ramble on about it for hours. I just feel like I shouldn't have to throw a fit to get him to even ask me about it. Mind you, while having this conversation, I was relaying it to two friends of mine. One, a very shy, adorably polite guy I met recently, and the other, a guy I can't imagine my life without. My dearest friend in the world, my voice of reason, my calm in the storm. Now, these two guys, whose opinions I value highly, had two completely different views on it. The shy one was essentially offended. His stance is that this guy has no interest in taking his time to get to know me; he wants instant gratification. My best friend said he sees Oi Vey's point. Since I think it's so important for him to know, I should tell him. Fine. When Oi Vey finally asked what I DID want in a partner, I told him. When I got done with my whole detailed, hopelessly romantic description, he says, " do u think u i could b that person".



He never will get it, will he? So I told him one final time that I don't know him nearly well enough to make that judgement. When he went to bed after that, I was left to whine to my friends about how the conversation had ended. My best friend laughed; the boy is hopeless. And my new friend seemed almost angry, and advised me to cut off all contact with this guy. He said I should simply block him. I personally think I owe the guy at least the closure of a "no". My friend says some guys need to be ignored to get the picture. Ah.

I on the other hand know of a few guys who can't seem to get the picture being ignored. As if to prove my point, a guy I talked to months ago IMed me. I started ignoring him, and he kept trying to contact me for months. I thought he'd never give up, until the messaging actually stopped. Until tonight, when he sent me "Did i do somethin wrong?".

They just never learn.

Wow, must be a full moon.

So, it's seriously 6am, and so far, I've gotten a message from a Canadian that said "U look like u need some cock" (what is that even supposed to mean?), a skinny white boy whose tagline says "Single and looking hard!" but whose marital status says "Not single/Not looking" (his profile also says he just had "wrisht sergry" and he has a five month old son....God help that child!), and a guy who compared me to a rotting rat carcass. He also thinks I'm creepy. Oh, what a good day it's bound to be!

Aside from that, I think I'm actually going to have to have a pretty serious conversation with this cute, kind of nerdy looking Jew I've been talking to for a few days now. For one, he's entirely too clingy. I'm rather sick of getting the "Hey, text me when you get this!" texts a half dozen times a day. Beyond that, once we discussed the fact that we're both ideally looking for serious, long-term relationships, suddenly I was the girl he's been looking for his whole life. He seems far more attached to me than is healthy, let alone comfortable for me. He even offered to come home from Florida, where he's staying to take care of his sick father, a few weeks early so we could be together. He's been asking me how soon I'd like to make a commitment to him after our first date (they can't ever get weird BEFORE I agree to dinner??), because he thinks we'd make an amazing couple. He doesn't KNOW me. Every time he asks me about it, I simply tell him it's far too soon to be making any kind of judgements like that. It doesn't seem to be clicking though, and for fear of actually hurting this poor guy, I'm gonna have to lay it all out for him. Now I'm just left to hope that he's simply naive, and not a bit ....off.

Ooh, thank you, Urban Dictionary!

Word of the day for January 8th (yes, I realize it's the 10th - I don't check my email):

Nearsighted Date - As opposed to a blind date, where you have no idea what the other person looks like, a nearsighted date is one where you've seen a photo or chatted via web cam before meeting in person. This can often lead to disappointment if one person or the other has supplied misleading documentation.

"Well, I saw her profile pics on Facebook, so it was more of a nearsighted date than a blind date"

"That's the last nearsighted date I ever go on...her profile pic must have been 5 years, 3 hair colors and 2 kids ago."

"Went on a nearsighted date last night. The picture he emailed me must have been from before he quit the gym."

Wow, well, that's one way to get out of a date.

So I was supposed to be going on a date with a seemingly pretty nice guy this afternoon. We were planning to go see that Sherlock Holmes movie, but, last night he IMed me to tell me he'd been in a car accident! Yowch! I don't think he's making up (though I wouldn't put it past some of the guys I've talked to), since he still actually wanted to come see me despite the concussion and inevitable post-accident aches. I told him he's not allowed to drive with a concussion, since he's ALSO from Rhode Island (RI boys dig me, apparently), and that's way too long a drive to be safe. So, we've rescheduled for thursday.

Anyhow, I'm talking to this other guy right now, a cute, kinda nerdy looking Jew (I'm such a sucker for Jewish boys). He asked me what caught my attention about his profile and I listed off a few things, including that I like that he only has that he's looking for something long term. Apparently, by saying this, I somehow told him that I'd like to rush into a commitment cuz he's now talking about how life will be when I'm his girlfriend. Oh boy.

Ok, ok, so my date

So yea, personally I'm a tad surprised when a guy even makes it a week of talking to me without one of us getting annoyed with the other (I'm a lot to handle :P), but on top of that, Pally had to give my MOTHER (who I live with) his phone number, last name, and ADDRESS before she'd let me go out with him. AND she almost confiscated his keys since I was going to be driving us to our destination. And after all that, he still drove two hours to come see me. Course, the boy must have a sixth sense, since he arrived at my house just as I was getting out of the shower. He called me and the first thing I said was "You WOULD show up while I was naked." So, I threw on that ADORABLE outfit I had thankfully laid out ahead of time, haha, but the makeup I even practiced doing the night before ( I like him, don't judge me) never got put on. I felt kinda naked. :/

Luckily, he still thought I looked nice. He even told me I looked beautiful, which quite frankly, no date has said to me since the 11th grade. WTF, guys. Way to drop the ball on that one. Though, I guess technically the date who wouldn't even look in my direction for fear of staring at my fantastic rack could probably be taken as indirectly telling me I look great. :P

Anyhow, I drove us to a mall, cuz, that's all there really is to do if you're under 21 in Connecticut. At least he was from out of state and the same old mall I go to all the time wasn't so redundant for him. We kinda just walked around looking and random things, having some pretty awesome conversation, then we went to the food court for some Burger King. Haha, I know, it's not really date food but just his company was so much fun I definitely didn't mind. He even held me when the janitor guy dropped a tray on my head while trying to get it off the trash can behind me. And God did he smell good. I know it's just Axe, but that stuff seriously gets me every time. So then we walked around and I pulled him into Newbury Comics (I swear they're not paying me for advertising), where we ran into...can you guess? My ex-fiance and his girlfriend, who probably has a voodoo doll of me under her pillow. Lovely! I tried really hard to pass it off as not awkward by saying hello and smiling, but nope. My ex gave me this "Oh shit!" look and I got death glare from the girlfriend, who mind you, I grew up best friends with. So, as I can see my ex clearly trying to push his girlfriend out of the store we were in, she stops to look at a display rack right behind my darling date, who says loudly, "Well, that seemed awkward." I then had to pull him to the back of the store and explain the whole thing to him. Oi vey. If only that were the most awkward event of our date.

I then decide to leave that mall, and drive us to, yes, a different mall. Oh, CT. <3 But anyhow. We get to the other mall, park outside of Sears, and walk in. We're literally fifteen feet in the door when we run into a friend of mine who works there. He actually conveniently already has a nickname, from high school. We used to call him Small Child before he hit that growth spurt and is now actually taller than me. So, Small Child starts talking about how he hasn't seen me in forever, and reminisces with me, as I'm standing there holding Pally's hand. Small Child then goes, "Remember that time I couldn't find your nipple?". No, no I don't remember that at all, actually. So he tells me this whole story about it then finishes with "Yup, first boob I ever touched." Well, that's great to know but I wish my date didn't. Small Child then asks for my number before his boss walks over and makes him go back to work. Thankfully, my date was cool about it. He goes "Wow, he got alll kinds of defensive." Come on, 6-feet tall, blonde, looks like Prince William, and his voice has dropped! Of course Pally is threatening. :)

So then, as we've been walking around for hours, Pally treats me to a movie, and we decide to go see Brothers (okay movie...great idea, poor execution), and we're the only people in the theater haha. It was not easy to get that boy to actually watch the movie haha, but he picked up on my body language fast and ended up just cuddling with me, which was actually very nice.

Later I drove him back to my house, cuz his car was parked there, and we just sit in my car and talk for a few minutes. Next thing I know, my dad is in his car right behind mine, calling my cell phone. Apparently he could see Pally in the front seat, but not me! Rofl. I'm short. Sue me. So, I was very sad to see Pally get back in his car for the drive back to Rhode Island. I really wish he lived closer. The night ended with me wishing he didn't have to go, and getting teased mercilessly for having been caught making out in my car. All in all, amazing date.

Oi vey, I've been neglecting you :(

Wow, I haven't posted since June. You can officially hate me. But on a brighter note, I do still keep up my dating profiles. I actually even went on a date a few weeks ago!

So for the sake of tradition in giving all my guys secret codenames, we'll call this one Pally. Don't ask me why; I'm not prepared to admit to my readers how terribly nerdy I am. :P But anyhow, he's so far been a great guy. He lives in Rhode Island, and literally drove two hours one way to come see me. He gets immediate points for that one. I would've met him half way, but the heater in my car is broken, and it's freaking cold. I still offered to come, but I wanted to bring a friend in case I got lost haha, and he didn't wanna have a whole awkward double date thing going on. Can't really blame him. My friends ARE awkward. <3

Anyhow, I feel the need to mention I only talked to him for about a week before agreeing to a date. I know I have rules about these things, but call me a hopeless romantic, he kinda weaseled his way to the front of the line. I'd love to see him at the DMV, seriously. Truth be told, I almost didn't message him cuz I thought he was out of my league haha. Don't tell him that ;P He's just very cute (he looks a bit like Prince William) and comes off kinda cocky at first haha. I don't usually enjoy that but for some reason I liked him. I'm such a sucker for nerds.