That don't impress me much

Wow, I've certainly heard some interesting lines in the year I've been trying online dating. Some were so bad they were cute, others just...bad. I realized I left a few of them out while describing my issues with my Jewish love muffin there. I feel as though I should first slap on a parental advisory sticker (in other words, my mother is advised not to read this. Seriously, Mom. Close the window right now. Right now. You don't want to know.) as this is not only about to get obscene, but absolutely tragic. I really can't in any way prepare you for these, so I'm just gonna quote him.

"I wanna lick ur whole pussy til cum comes pouring out ur clit and i can drink it"

And worse,

"I'm gonna put my whole tongue in your clit."

Now, either this guys a serious sadist, or he's never seen a vagina in his life. I was completely flabbergasted, and so naturally, I sent it to everyone I knew. I feel like even if this guy was a virgin he should know better than that. What do they teach in schools these days?? So, just for hahas, I asked him if he'd ever been with a woman before. Get this - he tells me he's been with ten women. TEN. I might've believed one or two, but either he's a complete liar, or I have ten sympathy cards to mail out. Ladies, I am so sorry for the loss of your dignity, and your faith in the male population. Hope lesbianism is working out for you.

Ah, but alas, he is not the only sorely mistaken male when it comes to impressin' the lad-ayyyss. There's one particular site I use which I am hardly able to take even remotely serious, mostly because all the guys who talk to me are either from Canada, or 50 and from Mississippi. Just going through my inbox, here's a couple opening messages I have laying around.

"want to make love??? for ever and a day!!!!Jackxxoxoxoxoxooooooooooox "

-40 year old male, New York

"if i could die early i would ask God if i could be your guardian angel, so i could wrap my wings around you and embraces you whenever you feel alone..i would love to be ur friend"

-19 year old male, Nigeria

"I have zombie apocalypse nightmares almost every week does that turn you on? lol"

-23 year old male, Massachusetts

And then, of course, there was a lovely guy who wanted to know if I'd move, yes, MOVE in with him two hours away to be his live in "pet" for him and his "slave". To each his own dude, but I'm old fashioned! I just feel like a guy should be sweet to me and buy me dinner before he asks if he can put a collar on me and degrade me for his pleasure. *shrug*